the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
