One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
