the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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