Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
These 23 People Prove You Don’t Have To Be A 10 To Be Good In Bed
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.