Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
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We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
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Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.