the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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