you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
