TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
