im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Still dying that you shit outside
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
