just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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