I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
