i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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