Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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