You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
