the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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