he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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