I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I got inside last night via doggy door
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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