Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
