I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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