I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
