Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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