Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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