Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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