I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
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I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
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I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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