I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
