see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
