dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
