why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
