I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
