dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
