Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
