I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
