and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
you made out with another girl for some wings
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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