Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
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congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
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How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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