my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
