maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
no, he came in my armpit
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
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Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
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Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
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