I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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