I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
