i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
