I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize