nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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