Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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