I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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