Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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