You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
