I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
