The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
