just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
