Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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