:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
