I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I am midnight drunk by noon
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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