he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
