In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
