I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Randomize
